


Just Looking Out

by mittamoo



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Aaron and Liv love each other a whole lot lads, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kitchen talks, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-16 02:11:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10561666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mittamoo/pseuds/mittamoo
Summary: Aaron hasn't been okay for a very long time, its even worse after prison. And Liv, Liv just wants her brother to be okay and since no one else seems to want to help she decides it must be down to her.





	1. Chapter 1

Because the thing is that Liv knows that her brother is struggling, that he has been for a very long time. She isn’t stupid either she knew something was wrong, something big the moment she argued with him in the prison’s visitation room. Liv also knows that Aaron doesn’t want her to know he’s not doing well, that he’s trying his hardest not to let the cracks in his armour show. So, no, Liv can’t ask him about it. So liv does what she does best, _she listens._

Only Listening isn’t as easy in practise as it sounds because her big brother is falling apart at the seams and it’s almost as if no one cares at all. She used to do this sort of thing for her mum, take care of her, and make sure that she’s okay. Only Aaron doesn’t want her do to that for him. Tells her that it’s his job to look after her, not the other way ‘round. She isn’t sure how to feel about that, isn’t sure how to accept that kind of unconditional love.

When she sees Aaron again after he’s released, she doesn’t know what to say. Guilt burns hot in her chest, pulling and clawing at her insides _he hates me_ playing over and over in her head. So when she sees him, apology hot on her tongue _I’m sorry I told Robert, I should have kept quiet_. And Aaron wraps his arms around her before she even has a chance to open her mouth, speaks and apology of his own into her hair.

“I’m sorry Liv, I should never have asked something like that of you,” Well Liv, she has no idea how to feel about that.

“Its okay” She chokes out eventually, because he’s her brother and she _loves_ him. Her mum never said anything like that to her before, never even acknowledged that she should never have been placed into the role of caregiver.

So when weeks later, she’s placing herself into that role again, she can’t help feeling that surge of anger, At Robert, Chas, Adam, and everyone else too stupid to see what’s right in front of them. Angry at Aaron for not trusting her enough to let her see that he isn’t okay. The thing was that it had been weeks, months even since Aaron had been released from prison so she couldn’t even ‘accidently’ run into him as he was going back to his and Robert’s room after a shower, so really short of questions, which were out of the question, and eavesdropping she had no way of finding out if he’d been badly beaten while in prison. _God, she hopes that wasn’t the case._

Liv quickly discovers in this situation its patience and sheer luck that Liv needs to find out what is wrong with Aaron. It’s not hard to work out that it had something to do with prison, as he wasn’t this jumpy or closed off even during the trial, so it has to be prison. She can’t stop her mind running away with her sometimes, terrible images flashing through her mind during school, the casing of her cheap biro creaking and crunching under her grip. There’s nothing to dispel these thoughts either as she just can’t seem to catch any snippets of conversation about what went wrong in prison. It makes her want to scream and yell and lash out but that wouldn’t help her at all.

It’s nearly two in the morning when she _finally_ sees something, although now she’s seen it, she wishes she hadn’t. She’d only come down to make a mug of tea and some toast, she had no idea that she would find Aaron sat in the kitchen alone in the dark. Aaron flinched violently when she’d switched the kitchen lights on before quickly bringing an arm up to wipe a sleeve covered hand over his face. For the first time in far too long she lets herself take a proper look at him. Pale, with dark shadows under red-rimmed eyes, he did not look good. _He’s lost weight too_ , she noted absently.

“Are you okay?” She asked because she couldn’t stand the silence filling the room, hated the way her voice wavered. _Pathetic._

“Yeah,” a pause, “Yeah ‘course I am, just couldn’t sleep.”

 It’s a lie and they both know it but just this once liv decides to let it go. Turns away and busies herself with what she came for. They don’t talk but even turned away she can see how he’s sat in her mind. He’s hunched over the table head hung low between tense shoulders. When she turns back to slam the second mug down in front of him she almost laughs because he’s sat exactly like she thought he would be. As the mug makes contact with the table she watches the tea splash over the side with an almost vicious sense of satisfaction and pulls out a chair to sit facing her brother.

The slam of the mug had Aaron’s eyes rising to meet hers again. The smiles he gives he as she takes the mug of tea is small and careful, but a smile none the less. In the past Liv had always wanted her mother to be proud of her to appreciate her more but with Aaron it’s almost like she doesn’t have to try. Even when she first arrived and she kept playing up, he still looked at her like she was the best thing in his life. _It’s not fair_ she thinks harshly, that she didn’t get to grow up with her brother, that the chance to always have a big brother at her back and fighting her corner was ripped away from her.

“But you’re not okay though are you?”

The accusation is clear even to her ears and it hangs heavy in the room, and his doesn’t answer her, just sits there staring into the mug of tea. Her hands grip tighter onto her own mug and the panic begins to rise. _She’s done it now though hasn’t she? Finally pushed too and Aaron is going to stop loving her. And-and._ Aaron puts his hand on her arm and rubs circles with his thumb.

“Liv, look at me” so she forces herself to raise her eyes up to his “I am _fine,_ okay?”

“No! Aaron, no it’s not okay!” And suddenly Liv is on her feet, and she’s angry, so angry and she doesn’t really know why, but it’s clouding her vision and making it hard to think straight, “It’s not okay. Look at you, just because other people haven’t noticed doesn’t mean I’m stupid too. You’re jumpy all the time, you haven’t been sleeping. I know something bad must have happened because I _know_ you Aaron and you wouldn’t just- wouldn’t just start doing drugs for the hell of it!”

The outburst makes her feel better and this time as she stands there, chest heaving in the middle of the kitchen the fear doesn’t come back. The fact that Aaron has strode around the table to wrap his arms around her doesn’t come as a surprise, so she just lets herself fall into her arms. As they stand wrapped around one another she’s not crying but it’s a close thing.

“It’s my job to worry about you, not the other way around, I’m sorting myself out. You don’t need to”

This time she lets herself listen to him. The words are reassuring because she knows that Aaron is right. It isn’t her job to be the responsible one. Not anymore. Eventually, he goes back upstairs she planned to follow him up in a few minutes but then her father’s words from the past creep into her head _he used to cut himself you know_. Before she knows it, she can see her brother laying in that hospital bed after the crash, can see the scars on his arm that she’d barely registered at the time and suddenly she feels sick all over again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're fighting again, its not just a little tiff, there's angry shouting from both of them, it makes her think of mum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote some more of this, I like writing it so I hope you enjoy reading it

Before she even has a chance to investigate, _they’re fighting again._ This time Liv is sat behind the sofa in the living room grappling between wanting to cover her ears and _needing_ to hear every angry word exchanged. She lets herself fall into that old need of listening so that she’s always aware of the situation in the house. She did this with her mum when she fought with her strings of short-lived boyfriends, made sure she knew when her mum needed picking of the ground and into bed because she was far too drunk or high to manage alone. Aaron says something that makes her cringe, it was rude bordering on nasty and she know he’ll regret saying it before the hour is up. Because Aaron’s temper is like a bottle of pop, the same as her mum would call hers, fizzing up sky high but crashing down just as quickly. If Aaron’s words make her uneasy its Robert’s response to her that pushes her into full blown terror. It was calculating and cruel and almost certainly designed to hurt as much as possible. Liv can do nothing but sit and listen as all of her big brothers insecurities, the things about himself that he is firmly ashamed of laid bare to her and thrown in his face.

After that, she has to cover her ears, doesn’t know if she spent minutes or hours curled up behind the sofa, hands clamped either side of her head. Didn’t even know she was crying before she felt her brother sat next to her, an arm pulled firmly around her shoulders and his thumb stroking a tear off of her cheek.

“I’m sorry” he murmurs “you shouldn’t have had to hear all that, I know how bad it is to be in a house while two adults are tearing strips off one another”

“That was bang out of order that was” and it’s a wonder she kept her voice as steady as it was, she doesn’t look at him, not yet, just levelled her eyes ahead of her.

“I know it was, I shouldn’t have said it, I’m so sorry you had to hear that Liv”

The sheer force of her shock had her head snapping to the side to face him, she vaguely entertains the notion of whiplash as she tries to form a response,

“No, probably shouldn’t have” She takes a breath and it almost feels as if she’s preparing for a fight “but I wasn’t talking about you” she hopes she doesn’t look as offended about the situation as she sounded, but judging by Aaron’s snort she probably does.

“Looking out for your brother, eh?” but the small smile on his face slips away again “Robert didn’t say anything I didn’t deserve, you don’t need to worry” it scares her how sincere he sounded, how convinced he was that what he was saying was the truth.

There’s nothing left to say she doesn’t think, so the two of them just lean against one another in silence. If this were any other situation live thinks that it probably would have been nice. But it isn’t another situation and she revels in the comfort her brother is giving her. And if they both pretend that the other didn’t flinch at the slam of the door as Robert storms out, nobody else needs to know that.

After a while they pull themselves up off of the floor and move around the sofa to actually take a seat on it. They put the TV on and Aaron flicks on some weird musical film that Liv doesn’t really enjoy but Aaron is smiling at it even if she’s not all that sure he’s completely following it either.

“Aaron, what is this?” She has to ask eventually because her brother really doesn’t seem the type to enjoy old musicals.

“My Fair Lady, I watched it my mum as a kid” he laughs as he says it “It’s not nearly as good as I remember it”

Satisfied with the answer she was given, she settles back down into the sofa and for once allows herself to just be. The tension of the room is gone and Liv gets to just enjoy spending time with her brother, laughing when he mockingly repeats one of the lines to her. For once the idea that she has to be looking after someone, the fear and nausea from the kitchen talk a few nights ago is just gone, she feels exactly how she should; a teenager spending time with her big brother.

Her eyes blink open as she hears the front door go for the second time that night. Doesn’t even remember falling asleep on the sofa in the first place if she was being honest with herself. Tries her hardest not to tense up as Robert strides into the living room and over to where Aaron is still sat. Tries to ignore the way Aaron’s face twists with guilt at he sits up straight to acknowledge his husbands arrival. But she can’t ignore the way her big brother makes himself smaller in Robert’s presence, how he tries to take up as little space as he possibly can.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” Aaron hurries out before Robert has the chance to open his mouth, the desperation in his voice scares Liv more than a little bit. “I should never have spoken to you like that, I had no right and you didn’t deserve it. I’m so sorry”

It’s all a rush of sentences merging together into one long apology. The sheer contrast of how her brother sees himself compared to how he looks at Robert becomes starkly clear to her then because she thinks she’s the only one who can see it. Remembers the words from earlier, how Robert had clearly taken the argument to far, and Aaron’s defence of him; _I deserved it_. Thinks about how unfair it is that her brother behaves like this, tries to swallow down the stab of guilt after _it isn’t exactly his fault though is it._ Her anger subsides a little, but not by much because she knows her brother would never stand for someone to treat her the way Robert treats him sometimes, is firm in her knowledge that Aaron would defend her to anyone, _protect her from anyone_.

“I know you are, you’re right you shouldn’t have said that” and the words sound soothing enough but neither her nor Aaron miss the hard edge to his tone.

Robert puts his hands on her brother’s face and rubs a thumb over his cheek. The fight is over now she supposes until next time they get into a big disagreement. She doubts that Aaron will let her lay witness to the next fight though, and doesn’t that just fill her with a sense of unease. As Robert and Aaron curl around each other once again on the sofa she feels the unease grow, it doesn’t quite match the fear of the other night but it is fuelling that fear now. _Robert didn’t make any apology himself._

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this took longer than I intended whoops?

The fight is something she can’t seem to stop thinking about, can’t forget about the fear clawing at the back of her throat. _Needs_ to be in control of the situation, mostly in the form of taking care of her brother, Aaron needs help, she knows he does. Liv loves her brother, loves how strong he is for his family, for her. But she isn’t thick, nobody can be all okay all the time and she certainly doesn’t expect Aaron to be, after all it didn’t even directly happen to her mum and Liv knows first-hand how much it messed with her mum’s head, so of course she doesn’t expect Aaron to be okay all the time. Only he seems determined to look that way to her, and everyone around her. Only it isn’t working and her big brother, the man who took her in, who _loves_ her is falling apart at the seams and nobody will do a damn thing about it.

Today isn’t a Bad Day but it certainly isn’t a good one either. She can see it in the way he holds himself. He’s trying though, making an effort for her. It’s more than mum ever did because mum never offered her a thin smile and a brew. For some reason the thought makes her angry. She wants to take the stupid mug out of his hands and smash it on the floor. She doesn’t know why, maybe she just wants to see how far she can push before Aarons had enough and sends her back to mum. Back to where everything will make sense again.

Robert must still be in a mood with Aaron because he takes no notice other than a cursory ‘alright’ which her brother brushes off with a dip of the head. She tries to reason herself that if Robert doesn’t think there’s anything to be worried about that she shouldn’t be worried either. An off day doesn’t mean anything will go wrong. But the unease has already set in her gut. She wishes that she could brush off the notion that Robert just isn’t worried because he’s annoyed with Aaron. Today is a bank holiday so at least she doesn’t have to try and focus on schoolwork today and can just veg in front of the telly instead.

It’s around one when the front door goes, she hasn’t moved since breakfast and is still sat in leggings and the shirt she slept in. Liv’s not concerned at first when the door goes it’s not uncommon for Robert or Aaron to nip in to get lunch. It’s when she stands up to say hello and maybe convince either one of them to make her some lunch as well that she gets worried. It’s not just Aaron who’s come back Adams here too. Arm hooked under her brother’s and around his shoulders, Adam half-drags Aaron through their front door. She can smell vomit in the air and Liv is fairly certain it isn’t because of Adam.

“Alright Liv” Adam calls out to her,

Eyes still fixed on her brother she nods to him. He doesn’t really seem to notice she’s there as he shrugs away Adam’s arm and makes his way up the stairs. This is what she gets for ignoring her gut feeling she supposes. On Adam’s indication she follows him into the kitchen and perches on the table as she watches him busy himself in the kitchen. She can’t help but raise her eyebrow once he pulls out the cheapo Home and Bargain brand microwave popcorn that she and Aaron love but Robert turns his nose up at from the cupboard.

“We’re going to watch a couple of films, you gonna join us?”

“Sure,”

After about ten minutes she hears Aaron coming back down the stairs. When he sees her, he pulls her into a hug and presses his lips to her temples. It probably shouldn’t reassure her as much as it does. He hasn’t showered since he got in, but he has brushed his teeth and used enough lynx body spray that he smells like a teenaged boy. She can’t help but struggle away with a huffed laugh.

“God Aaron, I’m having flashbacks to the PE changing rooms”

He still hasn’t said anything but he bumps his shoulder against her affectionately before walking over to give Adam a hand with the mugs and bowls he’s trying and failing to carry at once. She’s not oblivious Aarons still pale and shaky but she thinks it’s maybe not as bad as she first thought. The three of them sit together on the sofa. Adam has his arm wrapped around Aarons shoulder again but he looks grateful for the contact so just this once Liv isn’t going to comment on how touchy they are. They don’t watch anything particularly heavy and stick to the comedy section of Netflix. Only Aaron and Adam seem to have zeroed in on the really shite ones. It’s a laugh though, sitting with the two of them and mocking the poorly written dialogue.

It’s gone four by time Robert gets home, shouting a greeting from the hall. Instead of coming in to sit with them, Robert heads straight up the stairs and she can hear the clank of the pipes as the shower is switched on. Adam untangles himself from Aaron who by this point was leaning fully against him with a laugh.

“Alright mate, better get off, don’t want to make the husband jealous now do I?”

“Yeah, yeah you wish mate” Aarons tries to look annoyed but a smile is tugging at his mouth, it’s a good contrast to the withdrawn Aaron of a few hours earlier.

After Adam has let himself out, the two of them stay sat together in the living room, it’s a good quiet between them, neither her nor Aaron are big on talking. Liv thinks it’s nice that she’s able to just sit here with him as he chooses what film to put on next, a _proper sibling thing this._ They don’t get to spend time like this very often even less so when it’s just the two of them so she tries not to feel too guilty about the surge of anger she feels when Robert strides in and sits himself down in-between them. Aaron smiles at Roberts’s arrival and she has to look away because, no just no she doesn’t want to see any of that soppy crap. Aaron tries to lean himself against Robert’s side, it’s something she’s seen them do hundreds of times before and Robert doesn’t exactly shrug Aaron off of him so much as completely refuse to acknowledge him and continues to sit almost stiffly upright instead of relaxing against her brother like he usually would. She doesn’t feel guilty anymore after that, after all its not as if Aaron was the one who took the fight too far so he really has no right to be acting like that.

After a little while she watches Aaron lean away, seeming to have got the message that his husband doesn’t want to know. Watching her brother physically withdraw back into himself is almost painful because now he looks even worse than he did when Adam had hauled him through the door earlier. She knows that Robert has to be feigning obliviousness to this now because how could he not notice something like this. Liv like him much more now than she used to but when he acts like this it is hard not to go right back to hating him. They’re barely halfway through the film before Robert gets up and walks out, grunting something about paperwork as he leaves.

Without a whole lot of thought Liv moves into the space Robert had left and forces her way underneath his arm so that she’s propped against his chest. For a few moments Aaron doesn’t react and she starts to think this was a bad idea it’s not like this is something they do outside of quick hugs nothing like this, besides it’s not like she’s Adam or Robert or Paddy or-or. Then Aaron tightens his arm around her. So Aaron doesn’t let her help like she’s supposed to but sitting here, with him holding on to her like she’s the only thing keeping her in the room. Maybe she thinks this is okay too.

It isn’t okay, she knows it isn’t, that she failed because today _is_ a Bad Day. Knows it because he woke her with shouting from some kind of nightmare, it’s the only times she ever hears him so afraid. Could hear Robert trying to calm him because of course he wants to know now. Knows it when she comes down for breakfast in the morning and she’s the only one in the room. She doesn’t even have it in her to glare at Robert as he hurries out of the house to work later than he usually would. _It’s her own fault after all, she’s the one who couldn’t make it better._

The time passes as it tends to do in the mornings, far too fast and it’s nearing the time she has to leave for school. Usually Aaron would be downstairs by now, but he isn’t so Liv decides that she can at least try to repay the favour of Aaron making her tea most mornings. So even though she should probably have left by now so that she doesn’t have to run for the bus, she makes her way upstairs with a mug that she has probably overfilled and in through the slightly open door of her brother’s room. She has to run out after putting the mug on the side. He barely even looked like her brother anymore. There was no determined set to his jaw, mostly he just looked tired. He stared right through her almost as if he didn’t really know she was there. He doesn’t ask her to do anything though, not like mum would even at her worst mum would have something for her to do. Aaron doesn’t though and it’s simultaneously better and worse in a way that makes her head hurt.

 Now that she’s actually sat in her tutor room, she regrets coming in to school at all. All they’re doing is a stupid PDS morning so really all it is, is a bit of a doss. Liv doesn’t ever think that she’s actually personally developed herself or whatever during one of these things but they’re a government mandated time to piss about with mates. Only she’s really not in the mood for mates right now. She’s even less in the mood for any of this when her form tutor tells the class what the session topic will be for the next four periods. Mental Health. Liv really doesn’t want to be here now. There’s this group of boys in her tutor group, really obnoxious. They’ve already started nudging each other, laughing and turning to look at here. She can’t take a whole morning of this, she’s going to kill someone.

The teacher, her tutor, either not noticing the boys or ignoring them starts on her stupid power point. She spends a good five minutes going on about how mental health issues can happen to anyone, another five talking about celebrities that have them. While it’s boring, it isn’t as close to home as she figured it would be. Not until Miss changes the slide again and ask the class a question.

“There are lots of people affected by mental illness in the world, is there anyone close to you that’s affected?” Miss’s question is innocent enough but it triggers an eruption of laughter from the boys that has her clenching her fists and staring at her desk.

“Liv does Miss, Her brother’s a right mentalist he is”

She hears the rest of the class laugh, but she can’t here the other comments that must have come after because teenagers are not exactly known for their skills at knowing when to stop. She needs to get out of here now, any other day she would have been able to brush it off with a glare and some choice language for whoever made the comment. Not today though, not the day when her brother is so messed up that he can’t sleep through the night or get out of bed in the morning.

Her chair crashes to the floor behind her as she lunges for the boy. She goes to give him a proper shove and send him sprawling onto the floor, she’s done it before and she could do it again but if she does that there’ll be a call home. Aaron will be disappointed and try to understand why she’d done it. She really doesn’t have it in her to come up with a believable story as to why she’d lost her rag. Robert would be angry with her for acting up. Again. Then Aaron would defend her, and he and Robert would fight. She really doesn’t want them to have another fall out over her. What if with everything else this time became the final straw to make Aaron stop loving her?

So she doesn’t push the lad, instead she turns on her heel and storms out of the classroom. She nearly runs through the corridor and by the time she’s out of the building doors she’s reached a sprint. Her chest is getting tight as she legs it down the school field, right to the very end of it by the hedges and this old semi-abandoned shed. She leans against the wooden wall and tries to catch her breath. Only it isn’t quite working and her head is spinning. She pushes herself from the wall and takes a few steps back. Her eye catches the shed window and then the rock on the ground next to her. Before she really has time to think she leans down, grabs the rock and throws as hard as she can manage. At the sound of shattering glass the squeezing in her chest subsides so she stands there staring at the broken window, chest heaving. _Inhale. Exhale. Repeat._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I have some more plans for this but I'm not sure If I'll post them, let's be real I probably will


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